Best in Show: Holiday Horrors (Pt. II of II)





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5. P2
P2 isn't the most memorable horror film. But, with a fantastic concept and a terrifically loony role for Wes Bentley, this Christmas horror movie should be anything but forgettable. This typical obsession-slasher movie follows a corporate woman working late on Christmas Eve who becomes entangled in a cat-and-mouse game with a security guard blocking her in a parking garage. Things transpire with typical horror conventions but the resulting film glows with holiday cheer and is an entertaining addition to any yuletide playlist.



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4. Black Christmas

Whether deciding on the campy, spooky original or the somewhat grotesque remake, Black Christmas is a practical go-to slasher film for the season. Neither are masterpieces and both have some great aspects, and some really bad ones. But, while the bad is glaring, the good provides enough jolly holiday fun to make them more than worthwhile. The original's use of horrifying, telephone breathing and the remakes obscenely terrifying killer provide the perfect reminder that while these movies are definitely reserved for a certain time of the year, they will always be scary. 

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3. Better Watch Out

One of the best Christmas horror movies out there also happens to be one of the newest. Starring a cast a fantastic young stars, Better Watch Out is a twisty slasher brimming with the essence of the holidays. The visuals are lush, the lights warm and the bloodshed gory. All of it culminates into a perfect experience with funny, but intense results. Better Watch Out deserves the fan base it's rapidly collecting because it's a spirited and captivating holiday horror film that knows how to work its simple premise. Better Watch Out is now streaming exclusively on Shudder, a great move for a great movie.







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2. Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale is probably the most outlandish film to make this list. Odd, but actually scary, this comical Finnish horror flick is reminiscent of the worlds of Guillermo Del Toro, but with an undeniable locale-point of view. Rare Exports is now streaming on Prime which makes it all the easier to see for those of us who may have missed it on its first rounds. Full of festive undertones, brimming with sweater-adorning characters and really, really scary elves, this holiday movie is a blast.

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1. Krampus
While maybe the most typical option and the more famous out of the others, its negligent to ignore how polished Krampus is. Never taking itself too seriously, the film is full of campy scares, jovial comedy and overall high quality entertainment. Not only is it an effective holiday flick, it’s also a terrific horror and comedy one too. With characters that are unlikeable, yet lovable, elves as creepy as those in Rare Exports and plenty of odd baubles and trinkets that come to life, the ever-charming Krampus is a masterful blend of cinema.



Best in Show: Holiday Horrors (Pt. I of II)

The holidays can be a pretty fun time. Whether gathering around a tree or lighting the menorah, we're constantly reminded that this is a time for family and to resonate on all the things we're thankful for. But, for some, the season is a reminder of how terrifying their family is. This week's list covers the best holiday horror movies. On it, there's a notable absence of Gremlins, simply due to the overly fond memories held of this movie as a happier, campy children's film. The rest of these flicks are most certainly aren't meant for kids and will add an adult flair to an otherwise typical family theme found on Hallmark and Freeform. So without further ado, happy holidays! May they be as horrific as they are in these films.



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10. The Children

Cheesy and sometimes annoying, The Children gets plenty wrong in its attempts at making a horror film about a gaggle of youngsters who turn on their parents. The adult characters, and especially the one teenager unaffiliated by the strange happenings, are all pretty one dimensional. But in some ways, this makes the bloodbath that much more fun. The Children never really makes hearts beat faster, but it does provide a few good laughs and plenty of jovial moments with psychotic children doing exactly what one could expect. 


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9. The Conjuring 2

The Conjuring 2 is a terrifying horror sequel. If this was a list on modern horror movies, it would even be placed higher. But, what is often overlooked is that this film is actually a holiday movie. Taking place during the holiday season, even featuring Christmas decorations, The Conjuring 2 has even received (sarcastic) confirmation from creator and horror icon James Wan that the follow up of the fantastic original is, in fact, a Christmas horror movie. Even without many references, this movie is about family and its themes are reminiscent of those shared during yuletide celebrations. All that's missing in this generally not-about-Christmas-but-most-definitely-is-about-Christmas horror film to push it up this list is perhaps some more sparkling lights.

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8. Body 

Want to lose the Christmas spirit? This indie-thriller following a trio of girls who accidentally push a groundskeeper down the stairs of a house they broke into is just the kind of darkly mean-spirited flick to halt any thoughts of Santa or elves. Intense and void of any joy, Body would best be reserved for those who hate holiday fun. While the movie may have some disturbingly comedic moments, the ever-grim Body definitely isn't for the faint of heart.

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7. Orphan

Often forgotten on the list of Christmas-themed horror movies is Orphan; a film that takes place almost entirely around the holiday season. With perhaps one of the most iconic plot twists in modern horror, it's easy to forget how holiday-driven Orphan is. From scenic snowfalls and warm interior tones, to a Christmas tree and presents that matter later in the film, Orphan is a must-have inclusion for any jolly horror fanatic. Like many of the movies on this list, the themes go deeper than the setting and décor, featuring a family that must stand together or be ripped apart.

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6. Wind Chill

Before she stars opposite her real-life husband as a mother who must keep her family safe from a supernatural danger attracted to noise, Emily Blunt first starred in a little horror film called Wind Chill. Following two classmates who end up stranded on a "scenic" route during their trip home for the holidays, Wind Chill is an on-the-fly tale reminding all of us to be thankful for all we have, no matter how we got it or where we are. Wind Chill could have easily been a terrifying survival film, but when it ties in ghostly elements, audiences will certainly find plenty to appreciate during the holidays, given the sad lives of the road's previous victims.

Worst in Show: 2017 Horror (Pt. II of II)



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5. Wolves at the Door
Horror fans eat up pretty much all types of brutality in film as long as the result is warranted, fictional and generally in tasteful,  good fun. So when the marketed-as-a-horror-film true account of the grisly Manson Family Murders was unleashed in the form of Wolves at the Door, it should have come as no surprise that this unnecessary, distasteful and one-dimensional depiction left little to satisfy viewers. Told through a true perspective with little added depth, this movie would have done far better to stay clear of any real life cults, members or slain victims with living relatives. At least then the very blatant The Strangers rip-off would feel a little more spirited and tactful.

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4. Be Afraid

Indie horror can lead to some pretty great little gems. Unfortunately, Be Afraid is far from sparkling. Confusing, immature and generally dumb, Be Afraid should have stayed out of the public purview. It's a laughable and disjointed little film with little to enjoy and little to write on.

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3. The Bye Bye Man

The Bye Bye Man is a rough film to get through. Melding teen horror, far too many conventional scares and poor CGI, this almost jokey movie didn't raise any hopes for the 2017 year in horror. The Bye Bye Man is filled with unlikeable and generally unreasonable characters with little meat. Like so many made-for-the-masses horror films, like Ouija, this movie felt deeply insincere and unstylish; two things that could have been changed and brought the movie a long way past the mediocrity viewers were left with.

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2. Rings

Objectively, Rings is the worst horror film of the year. In a rare first-person perspective, I've not forgotten how terrible this film was and how more than half of the audience in my theater stood up and walked out midway through. The experience was painful, but unlike anything I'd ever witnessed. No movie I've seen in a theater - big or small - has caused such a unanimous uprising. Tepid, poorly acted and incredibly tension-free, the CGI-fueled Rings felt insulting to both the original Ringu and the American remake. It wholly deserves every criticism it gets, and probably more. In fact, had it not been for one film's release, it would most certainly take the top spot. 

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1. Jeepers Creepers 3

In a second rare first-person perspective, I'm going to declare here and now, that I never saw Jeepers Creepers 3. But almost as objectively as one could look at Rings and personally as a human being, I can say that this movie is surely garbage. Directed by convicted child molester Victor Salva, Jeepers Creepers 3 picks up after the first film and... Well honestly, it doesn't matter because this movie was an offensive cash grab. It's an insult to horror fans everywhere that spend much of their time arguing that the genre isn't filled with creeps and criminals. That's it.

Worst in Show: 2017 Horror (Pt. I of II)

For what has been a mostly stellar year in horror, from big budget masterpieces to smaller indies, there have been a number of misses in the industry this year. So, as the prospects of ripping open some presents begin to take over minds all across the country and much of the world, we're taking a moment to rip open some of 2017's worst horror movies. Like those fantastic releases this year, these terrible horror films come in all shapes and sizes. Sequels, reboots and indies, alike found plenty to groan over. Here are the ones that warrant the loudest noises of displeasure.

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10. Amityville: The Awakening

In Amityville: The Awakening, Bella Thorne continues to jumps deeper down the scream queen rabbit hole and horror fans ask why she's being allowed to. What makes her marketable in these roles? In this film, viewers will continue to wonder. Bland, typical and far less impressive than most haunted house films, Amityville: The Awakening does answer the question as to why it had such a tumultuous release- it just wasn't worth releasing.

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9. 12 Feet Deep  

Winning points for concept, but losing the majority in execution, it'd be easily to believe that 12 Feet Deep would be the claustrophobic thriller of the year. Supposedly about a pair of sisters' fight for survival trapped in an Olympic pool, this movie brings in too many other plot lines in an almost anxious fear of the silent, overarching dread it should have driven (swam?) home. 12 Feet Deep isn't the most offensive release of the year, but it’s certainly one of the biggest let downs.

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8. Darkness Rising

IFC Midnight has been quite a savior for horror in recent years. Distributing some of the biggest names in modern horror, the typically sleek distributors have dealt out some duds, but mostly their releases have been great. Unfortunately, one of their duds - this year's Darkness Rising - is a mark too big to ignore. Annoying, unintelligible and poorly told, Darkness Rising definitely brings the darkness. If only there was something scary within it.  

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7. The Mist (TV Series)

What began as an intriguing recreation of the Stephen King novel of the same name, quickly divulged into a schlocky and redundant piece of bad special effects, mediocre acting and unlovable characters. The Mist isn't a movie and thus it’s difficult to compare to others on this list, but in a way, that makes it almost worse. Given an entire season to bring in the fears and unleash terror on audiences, The Mist serves as a blatant reminder that horror is only good, when all of its pieces work together. Not helping its situation is the previously released feature film of the same name that is far superior.

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9.  Cold Moon

Just yesterday, Cold Moon received a scathing review from HOR(iley)ROR noting it as competition for worst of the year. However, upon reflection, it gets somewhat of a pass in light of movies that are somehow even worse. A mystery thriller with supernatural elements, this film follows the aftermath of the murder of a young woman in a small southern town. Digestible but not much else, Cold Moon feels entirely senseless. The violence? Senseless. The characters? Senseless. And the plot? Completely senseless. In multiple scenes it becomes clear how difficult it must have been to sell this movie to any distributer. There is little rhyme or reason for any of the film's direction and in the end... Well, chances are you won't make it that far.

Review: Cold Moon

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What counts as a horror film? For some, horror movies are exclusively supernatural in nature. Haunted houses and aliens, werewolves and vampires, these movies represent a pretty narrow perspective. But for others, the broader definition includes thrillers like The Gift or The Invitation; movies designed to create a sense of dread or by definition, horror. This second world, the one in which more movies count in the genre because they truly deserve to, is the one that should be the rule, not the exception. Unfortunately though, this opens up the door to some bad ideas and some even worse films that horror sites must review. Movies like Cold Moon.

Following an investigation into a young woman's murder, this southern thriller is an absolute mess of a movie. With little actual direction and a main villain that is relatively unstoppable or suspected by the characters until the ghastly images he sees cause him to go insane, Cold Moon is like Gone Girl if Gone Girl was filtered through a horrendous, supernatural lens.  It stars Josh Stewart (Interstellar), Robbie Kay (Fugitive Pieces), Candy Clark (Zodiac), Frank Whaley (Pulp Fiction) and Christopher Lloyd (Back to the Future), all playing what is probably their worst roles to date.


The stupidity of the characters is constantly on full display. One scene where a character just leaves his car at the beckon call of a masked man possibly seeking help is completely ridiculous and unrealistic. There is no actual substance, rhyme or reason to him willingly getting out of the vehicle, and yet, here we are with two dead main characters. Then there's the awkward male gaze in one particular scene seems negligent considering it serves little purpose outside of showcasing a barely clothed woman in the woods with her fully clothed boyfriend. It’s a smaller part of a whole mess, but important to note nonetheless.


But the character work isn't the only thing wrong with Cold Moon. All too frequently, the dialogue relies on buzzwords like rattlesnakes and phrases like "the sticks," making blatantly clear that the filmmaker's perception of the South is relatively shallow, Its score - melodramatic and overstated - removes any sense of suspense or atmosphere. The flashback cutaways seem pulled from dramatic PSAs from the 90s.


Cold Moon is bad, almost offensively so. It's predictable, uninteresting and drearily tossed together. Viewers able to stick through this movie in its entirety deserve a reward, especially considering the film gives little to satisfy. They'll find little quality in this mystery thriller- if you can even call it that.

 

Review: Slumber

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Sleep paralysis films seem to be all the rage in horror right now. From the fantastically creepy documentary, The Nightmare, to the mediocre-at-best Dead Awake, the uptick in these films has also inspired a lot more people to come forward with their nightmarish fears. But, where the documentary succeeded, no fictional account of the disorder has quite captured the uniquely horrifying experience. Looking to change that is Slumber.

Operating on a fresh perspective from a sleep doctor who encounters a sinister force behind a family's sleep paralysis experience, Slumber does little to hold interest. While its premise provides a new, more medical angle the movie's conventions are all too known and done superiorly better in other supernatural demon flicks. There's the typical empty dark space scares and some odd placement for scoring, this along with contrived creepy children and bland, one dimensional acting from supporting cast are all telling signs of an inexperienced filmmaker's blunders.


Slumber is directed by freshman Jonathan Hopkins and stars Maggie Q (Divergent) as sleep doctor, Alice Arnolds. It also features Will Kemp (Reign) as her husband, Kristen Bush (Liberal Arts) and Honor Kneafsley (Miss You Already) as the two most resonating Morgan family members, Sylvester McCoy (The Hobbit) as the token spiritualist, and William Hope (Aliens) as a fellow sleep doctor. As noted the majority of them are mediocrely elaborated on, brimming with flaky dialogue and uninteresting decisions. McCoy makes the greatest offences playing a really obnoxious former sleep paralysis victim and Hope is the only one who isn't a complete disaster in a supporting role, but he's a much smaller part of the film. For Maggie Q however, one of the only salvageable actors from the mess that was the Divergent franchise, Slumber once again finds her as a bright spot. She deserves better than this film as she did Divergent, and it'd be a welcome opportunity for her to continue down the horror path.


Outside of the dialogue and character issues, there is still one glaring missed opportunity and that's that Slumber itself just isn't entertaining. It drags on with far too many recycled techniques. It's as if the filmmakers sat down, watched a host of successful horror films and decided to adapt their scenes into a poor medical drama. The tension is nonexistent and the plot aimlessly stumbles along until it finally ends with little more than a fizzle.


Slumber is instantly forgettable. It’s not the type of movie worth watching and even if people did, they'd be hard pressed to find others who remember it enough to talk about it with. It’s got a lot of missed opportunities as it drags a great premise through too many conventions. Even with Maggie Q's bright light, this film feels dim. It’s a shame, too, because in a world where Dead Awake wasted  Jocelin Donohue's talents, it seems Slumber did once again with Maggie Q's. 3 out 10.

 

Best in Show: Winter Horrors (Pt. II of II)

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5. Crimson Peak

Mistakenly marketed as a horror movie, but also featuring plenty of horror elements, this gothic romance is an incredibly visual journey. Dripping with director Guillermo Del Toro's stylistic charm, Crimson Peak is lush and brimming with dense fabrics and colors; complimentary to the derelict mansion's snowy exterior. Even the snow, dyed red thanks to the clay mined beneath the mansion is so vivid and intentionally placed. All of this culminates into a truly sensory experience that'll have viewers completely invested in Del Toro's fairytale-like world.  

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4. 30 Days of Night

During winter, days are shorter and nights are longer and in Alaska, this is most definitely true. Known for its impossibly short days and incredible long nights, this Northern state is the perfect setting for a winter horror film; especially when that film's evil resides in nocturnal creatures. So, around the time the Twilight franchise was dismantling the horror of vampires, the Alaskan-set horror film, 30 Days of Night, was reminding us just how terrifying these bat-like beasts can be. Action-packed and filled with blood-soaked snow, this film utilized its harsh setting perfectly to capture the dreadfulness of 24/7 cold nights.

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3. Frozen

Afraid of heights? Hate the cold? Well, the confined location of the oft-forgotten, non-Disney film, Frozen, will probably terrify you. Taking place almost entirely on an immobilized ski lift, Frozen finds a group of friends who are forgotten on a long weekend near the top of a mountain. Incredibly disconcerting, this film will creep into your bones. Frozen is grounded in reality, opting for the very real fears of hypothermia over supernatural entities and beasts. Fair warning, if you do actually like skiing and snowboarding, Frozen may be best avoided.

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2. The Grey

Liam Neeson is undoubtedly one of the most prolific action stars of our time. From all of the Taken movies to Non-Stop, his decades-spanning career has landed him plenty of hits and a fair share of misses. But, perhaps one of his greatest films is the epic survival tale told in The Grey. Telling the story of a group of plane passengers who survive a crash deep in the Northern wilderness, The Grey is compelling and surprisingly deep. Through all the violent wolf encounters, is a heartfelt core centered on friendship and bonds. It’s an intense thriller with more than enough gore to appease genre fans.

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1. The Shining
While Misery is a fantastic winter horror movie, nothing quite captures the cabin fever of winter more than The Shining. A classic masterpiece known by all, this film is probably the most iconic to come from author Stephen King's work. In the film, the trapped Torrance’s slowly spiral out of control witnessing plenty of horrific acts and scary supernatural entities. With thick fabrics and a hedge maze filled with snow, this movie is best save for the coldest months of the year.  The Shining is an incredibly influential film and its ability to capture the horrors of winter and turn them into something so fantastically engrossing is unparalleled.